


Identification Please

by Tyrelingkitten



Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Gen, One Shot, Pre-Relationship, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 14:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4669880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyrelingkitten/pseuds/Tyrelingkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the <a href="http://share-the-love-month.tumblr.com/%0A">share-the-love-month 2015</a>.</p><p>Koala is actually a spy and Sabo happens to get into the crossfire of her mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Identification Please

**Author's Note:**

> [“This horrible umbrella won’t extend! Oh shit I just hit you in the stomach/crotch! I’m so sorry.”](http://kpopaumeme.tumblr.com/post/104554410270/awkward-first-meetings-aus)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you sa-mu-uu for beta-ing!

One minute Sabo is rounding the corner of the small convenience store, apologizing to the man he’d nearly shoved to the road, because he was in a hurry and why was he so fucking stupid for forgetting to turn off the stove and, oh my god, the laundry is going to be ruined with the light drizzle coming down the sky; and the next thing—a sharp pain shoots right between his legs in a place he never thought he’d be a victim of, and his world goes white and hot as his body freezes. When his vision clears, the world tilts until all he can see is the pavement, someone’s shoes, and water drops into his eyes and, _“Ffffffuuuuck!”_ he huffs between gritted teeth, curling up on the ground as he holds his crotch.

 

“ _Oww_ ffff-uck fuck fuck! Goddammit _fuck_!” He lets out another string of curses he usually refrained from using in public that would even make Ace blush till his ears go red.

 

“Oh dear. I’m sorry.”

 

 _Fuck off_ , he snarls in his head, _you’re not the least bit sorry!_

 

With tears in his eyes, Sabo glares at the woman—girl?—still standing beside him and inhales sharply to ride out the pain until the throbbing slowly recedes. “Lady, what the hell? What did you do that for? You just bludgeoned me in the dick.”

 

The girl is still standing beside his curled up body, holding a half-opened, extended umbrella in one hand and a small, cat-patterned tote bag in the other. Her cropped hair is hanging down limply, half hidden under a black cap, while her shoes show signs of fresh dirt and mud streaks, which she wouldn’t have been able to get in this side of the neighbourhood. Her eyes narrow at him, surveying him with an unsympathetic, blank look while her lips are curled up in a faint amused smirk. “This horrible umbrella won’t extend so I happened to be opening it when you came after me.” Her tone does not match the concern in the words. It clashes horribly with her expression as well like she has swallowed something bad not so long ago. “Sorry about that.” She adds. Although everywhere smells wet and humid, Sabo could smell the faint air of flowers on her.

 

”Ow-ow-ow--argh- Look where you’re pointing that thing!” Sabo snaps, grunts, and pushes himself off the ground, his shoes squelching as he stands up. “I should report you for abuse.” He winces while taking a step forward, then another and another, as the stinging pain lingered no matter which how he’s tried to avoid brushing his abused crotch.

 

“Where do you live?” the girl asks. “I can give you a ride. It’s the least I can do for my...ah, accident.”

 

“No thanks.” Sabo braces the wall and shuffles forward, swatting his wet hair from plastering his forehead. “Go away.” The rain has seeped into his clothes, cold and sticky. He shivers when the wind picks up. The laundry is ruined by now. Hopefully Ace is home to keep an eye on his stove. He flexes his hand and wonders what he’s missing—his eyes trail the wet ground and he groans when he spots the broken shards of vegetable oil and teriyaki sauce he has purchased not so long ago. What the fuck is that girl thinking? She could rip people’s balls off with that umbrella, accident or not.

 

Fuck that.

 

He’s going home and needs to nurse his bruised man balls and hope to god nothing is broken or torn. Maybe he can weasel Luffy’s doctor friend to look him over for free. Goddammit. He hopes Chopper would help him out with a quick exam, Luffy’s other doctor friend, Law, might actually say he needed to cut them off just for the hell of it. That sadistic bastard.

 

Footsteps of another person follow him close by, briskly pouncing in the puddles of water. He doesn’t look behind him, too wet and too bruised up to care. But the faint whiff of flowery perfume is enough to identify the person following him at his heels.

 

“Stop following me.” He throws an annoyed glare over his shoulder.

 

“Oh I insist, _sir_. Let me repay you,” the girl says solemnly and slips an arm underneath his elbow.

 

Startled by her boldness, Sabo tries to dislodge her hold. “Thanks, but no need.” He furrows his brows in annoyance. “Hey-hey, what are you doing?”

 

She doesn’t let up her hold and gives him stern look, her eyes blazing blue with fire. “Don’t worry, sir. I’m just making sure you’re all right.” The smile she gives him looks unnatural.

 

His blood freezes. He’s seen many horror movies have some sort of scene like this. Is this when she corners him in a back alley and then kills him? Sabo tries tugging his arm and looks around frantically for an exit.

 

“Let go, lady. Let go-”

 

His struggling only makes her tighten her grip and she leans closer, her smile shows rows of white teeth. “If you want to live to see the sun, be a good boy and allow me to escort you home.” She presses closer to his side until Sabo could feel a strange sort of blocky, hard object along his waist. His breath gets stuck in his throat.

 

Is that a gun? Did she have a gun on her? Why the fuck does she have a gun?

 

He licks his lips and swallows carefully. “Why are you doing this?”

 

“Where do you live?” She ignores his question, her arm drags him along as she spurs him into a run past the bakery and the candy store.

 

“... You just missed the corner.”

 

The girl stops abruptly and takes several steps back to head into said corner with Sabo in tow, one of her elbows digging into Sabo’s ribcage as a heeled shoe flattens his toe.

She grumbles, “I swear if you’re bringing me to a dead end, I’ll hurt you.” A glare. “Very badly.”

 

“Look, lady, what do you want from me? Are you my stalker? Are you going to kidnap me? Why do we need to go to my home this badly?”

 

Sabo really should have fought harder. He should’ve ignored her completely and minded his own business even if he’s the innocent party right now. Or worse, he probably should’ve shoved her into a store and made a run for it. Punching her had never even crossed his mind until he sees the apartment he has been sharing with his friends.

 

He’s so stupid! Why is he obeying her manhandling him? He can’t lead her home! Luffy and Ace are home. It’s too dangerous!

 

She leans close to his ear as she breathes out, “Don’t make any funny moves. Or I will definitely pull the trigger.”

 

An elderly woman smiles at them as she walks past, twirling her umbrella, the girl smiles charmingly back, presses her face into Sabo’s arm as if to hide her face. That acting is so fake, Sabo feels his face burn in shame. To the outsiders, they look like a loving couple strolling in the rain with the girl clinging to her boyfriend’s arm.

 

Sabo grimaces.

 

“You won’t get away from this,” he grits out.

 

“Move faster, less talking.”

 

When they finally stand before the front door, the girl stops clinging on his arm and roams his pockets for the keys. The moment they open the door, she shoves him inside and closes the door behind her with a loud bang.

 

Sabo tumbles over Luffy’s sneakers and Ace’s boots, and groans when his elbow hit the floor. The throbbing in his crotch has resided, but his relief is short-lived when he finally realizes smoke has filled the hallway.

 

“- _OH MY GOD_ , SABO IS GONNA KILL US!”

 

“- DO SOMETHING, ACE! DO SOMETHING! WHY IS IT STILL SMOKEY?”

 

“LUFFY, MOVE! WHERE IS THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER! OH MY GOD WHERE IS SABO WHEN YOU NEED HIM?”

 

“I JUST HEARD THE DOOR—SABO’S HOME!”

 

“HOLY SHIT! DISTRACT HIM, LUFFY!”

 

“ _SABOOOO_ , HELP! THE MEAT IS ON FIRE!”

 

“SHUT UP! WE DON’T NEED HIM TO FIND OUT-”

 

“I can hear you perfectly fine from here!” Sabo calls out, scrambling to his feet.

 

Luffy propels himself into the hallway, shouting his name and screaming about the charred meat and the fire, but he goes quiet when he sees the company Sabo has brought.

 

“Who are you?” Luffy asks, and his eyes finally take in the girl standing with her back pressed to the door, and her tote bag clutched to her chest.

 

“Go back to the kitchen, Luffy,” Sabo interjects before Luffy would get suspicious, and tries to huddle Luffy backwards using his back to shield him.

 

“Why?” Luffy frowns, going on his tiptoes to look over Sabo’s shoulder. “Is she your girlfriend? Why haven’t I met her before?”

 

“She’s not! Stay away from her. She’s dangerous.”

 

“Wait a minute, who are you?” the girl says at the same time Sabo warns Luffy to go away.

Sabo shrugs off her question and shoves his brother back. “Go to Ace and stay there!”

 

“Nobody move!” The inaudible click of the gun in the hallway makes both brothers freeze up. “Turn around!”

 

Luffy looks confused for a moment and then gives Sabo one of his rare serious looks, trying to communicate telepathically with him.

 

“I said _turn around!_ ”

 

“All right, all right.” Sabo raises his hands in the air. “Don’t shoot, okay? My brother has nothing to do with this, all right? Leave him alone.” He turns around slowly, one step at a time and does his best to shield Luffy. “If you want valuables, you can take my gold card, okay? So don’t shoot.”

 

“Why do I want your gold card?” She scoffs.

 

“Well, aren’t you hear to rob me? Isn’t that your goal in following me?”

 

“Sabo, is she really going to take our savings too? I haven’t even paid Nami’s debts yet.”

 

“Yes, she is.”

 

“No, I’m not!” the girl snaps in tandem.

 

Sabo raises his eyebrows. “Then what’s your purpose for threatening me?”

 

“You don’t know?” She looks incredulous at him before her expression goes blank. “Agent B, you are under the investigation for embezzling the WB Corporation Finances for months. The Bureau has submitted the complete annihilation of your contract.”

 

“Agent B?” Sabo parrots. “Who?”

 

“Uwooooahh that sounds awesome, Sabo. When did you join WB Co.? I didn’t know you were an agent, Sabo. I thought you were just teaching creative writing classes.” Luffy exclaims. “ACE~ Come here! Whitebeard has a Bureau! Sabo is Agent B!”

 

“NO!” Sabo cuts in. “Ace stay where you are! Call Pops!”

 

“Your acting is pretty impressive, Agent B.” The girl starts forward and Sabo backs away. “To think you’ve been screwing with the Bureau around and the WB company. Hey kid in the back, step away from this man. He’s dangerous. He’s been killing people behind your backs all this time. Don’t trust him.”

 

“What the hell? What are you talking about? This is not a goddamn James Bond movie,” Sabo snaps, already seeing where this is heading. “Why don’t you put the gun away and we can all sit down and have a civilized conversation about this… misunderstanding”

 

“I’m under strict orders to annihilate you. So, no thank you.”

 

“Look, you’ve got the wrong guy-”

 

“You were following me earlier!”

 

“What? No, I was-”

 

“You were following me since I stepped out of the hotel and walked behind me with exactly 500 meters distance.”

 

“What the-? What are you talking about? I only went to the grocery store to get some teriyaki sauce and cooking oil, which you—by the way—made me drop when you slammed me in the crotch. That was on purpose, wasn’t it?”

 

“I’ve been putting tabs on you since you started moving around this area. I know you’ve been at my heels-”

 

“SHE SLAMMED YOU IN THE JEWELS?” Luffy screams in horror. “QUICK, ACE, CALL TORAO. WE NEED TO SAVE HIS BALLS!”

 

“I’m fine, Luffy. It doesn’t hurt anymore and don’t call Torao. He’s gonna hurt mine more than it already is.”

 

“What’s all the racket? Whose balls are we saving?” Ace appears from around the corner, the scent of smoked dinner filling the hallway and he stares at the scene in front of him. “What the fuck?”

 

“... You’re Portgas. Whitebeard’s R&D director.” The girl frowns, lowering her gun by a fraction. “Why are you here?”

 

“Yes, I’m Portgas.” Ace starts forward and pushes his way to stand in front of both Luffy and Sabo. “And I live here. With these two. Who the fuck wants to know?”

 

“I apologize for my rudeness. I’m Agent K. I was sent by the Bureau to complete this mission. Wiping Agent B off from existence,” Agent K says gravely, and then points a finger at Sabo. “Do you know that this man is Agent B who has been sent to infiltrate your company? He’s been messing with your finances since he’s started-”

 

“Oh, you mean Blackbeard? He’s already being questioned as we speak. How can you confuse that bastard with this guy here?” Ace says flippantly.

 

“No, not Blackbeard. Agent B.” Agent K roots through her tote bag and produces a wet picture for proof.

 

Ace and Sabo squint at the picture while Luffy’s hands rest on their shoulders for leverage as he squints from behind them.

 

“Huh.” Ace says, and looks back and forth from the picture to Sabo. “Well, what do you know?”

 

“Oh wow, awesome!” Luffy exclaims.

 

“This is so surreal.” Sabo tries to pick his jaw up.

 

“So you see,” Agent K continues, “Hand over that man and we’ll be on our way. The Bureau will contact Whitebeard about the damages he’s done while working under you-”

 

“What the hell!” Sabo cuts in. “THAT GUY DOESN’T EVEN REMOTELY LOOK LIKE ME AT ALL!”

 

Ace sniggers. “Sure he does. Blond hair, round face. The ramen hair. And that scar.”

 

“Just like Sanji. Did I tell you about the time when people mixed him up with Duval? They look so alike too, everyone thought they were brothers.” Luffy laughs along.

 

“This is not a doppelganger phenomenon!” Sabo snaps. “That guy is way more buff than I am. And he’s got a tan too. And that scar looks fake. Mine is real! And his eyes are too big. How can you confuse me with him?”

 

“Then where the hell did you hide Agent B?” Agent K yells through the mish-mash racket of Ace and Luffy exchanging anecdotes about possible twins and long lost brothers.  

 

***

 

“Coffee?”

 

Sabo stops circling the correct answers with his red pen and stares at the hot, steaming cup beside his arm, and then at the person who has set it down on his table.  

His eyes are stinging with sleep and his mind is muddled with rules of grammar and proper punctuations.

 

Despite the tiredness, he recognizes her immediately. The cropped hair and the blue eyes.

 

“Hi.” Agent K gives him a wobbly smile.

 

He could refuse.

 

He could glare at her.

 

He could send her away.

 

But he does none of that. Instead he sets his pen down and sighs, “Thank you.”

He cradles the cup between his hands and raises it to his mouth for a sip.

 

Once the liquid jolts him awake, he puts the cup down and meets Agent K’s eyes. “Are you here to kill me again?”

 

Agent K looks ashamed and ducks her head, wringing her hands. “No, sorry about the other day.”

 

“Did you catch him then? Not that I’m interested or anything,” Sabo elaborates. “But just in case other people start confusing me with him.”

 

“Yes. We found him one floor above your apartment and he’s been dealt with accordingly,” Agent K says, her eyes flitting from Sabo to somewhere behind him and the exit of the coffee shop.

 

“So,” Sabo hums. “Did you really kill him? With a bullet through his brains, I mean?”

 

Agent K hesitates to answer, opening her mouth only to stop and look over her shoulder with caution. She clamps her jaw shut instead, pressing her lips together in a flatline and gives him a miserable and annoyed look.

 

Sabo wants to hit himself because of course she wouldn’t want to talk about things like that in the open. He quickly adds, “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.” He then gestures to the seat across his own. “Please, have a seat.”

 

“Oh no, it’s fine. I was just-,” Agent K gestures to the door, but doesn’t move away from her spot. When Sabo’s expression doesn’t change, she reluctantly drops her shoulders as she slides silently in the offered chair, smoothing down her pencil skirt. Her eyes curiously glide away from meeting his gaze.

 

Sabo immediately arranges all his papers in one neat pile and puts them away in the map lying on the chair beside him. “Do you want something to eat? A sandwich perhaps?”

 

“No, thank you. I’m fine. I already ate. It’s lunch time, you see?”

 

No, he doesn’t. That wistful look in her eyes when she glances at the display cases is too pitiful to ignore.

 

“You sure?” Sabo folds his hands together on top of the table. “You don’t have to be shy. Or do you want something to drink? My treat.”

 

Agent K shakes her head. “No, I’m fine. I was just… I came to apologize for the other day… and-”

 

“Apology accepted.” Sabo grins. “How did you know I take my coffee this way? Did you spy on me?”

 

“No! I asked Portgas.” She wrings her hands in her lap.

 

“Oh.” Ace hasn’t told him that they were in contact. “Anyway, thank you.” Sabo then leans over the table and holds a hand cupped over his mouth. “Why are you nervous? Are you on another secret mission to follow someone?“

 

Her face flushes as if caught red-handed, and Sabo goes as far to think underneath the stern exterior and no nonsense attitude, Agent K can be... really cute.

 

She gathers herself by taking a deep breath, closing her eyes and exhales slowly before giving Sabo a look. A really peculiar look.

 

“Yes.” She pauses. “This time, as a lecturer.”

 

“Oooh, so your target is a lecturer. Like me. And hopefully, it’s _not_ me. Right? Who is it? Maybe I know them.”

 

They stare a little too long at each other before agent K tears her gaze away, “I’m not obligated to divulge his identity in public.”

 

“Okay,” Sabo breathes out, a little disappointed that he’s out of the loop, because what if it’s a fellow-lecturer he’s buddies with that the agent should kill off? “So you want pointers on how to catch this guy? Because you can’t blend in with the lecturers like me?”

 

“I need the schedule of all the teachers that are lecturing the third years this semester and the map of of the campus.” She blurts out.

 

“Ahhh, I see. I can get you that.” Even if all that can be found on the school’s website. Sabo wisely keeps his mouth shut.

 

“You can?” Her eyes sparkle.

 

“Of course. It’s not a secret to the public anyway. So what are you going to do with these things?”

 

Agent K debates whether to let him in on her secret and finally leans closer, her elbows resting on the table. “Well, I suppose I can tell you—only you, for now. It’s not really a secret anyway.” She then lowers the volume of her voice, “Starting next week, I’m going to be teaching them World History.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, that’s great! But why are we whispering? Is it a surprise for the students?”

 

“Yes!” Agent K quickly clamps a hand over her mouth. “It’s just that—I’ve never taught a whole classroom of more than hundred kids before.”

 

“ _Oh~_ , you’re nervous to stand before a class?” Sabo grins. “Don’t worry too much about that. They’re good kids. As long as their cases aren’t boring, they will like you. Tell you what, I’ll show you around when you come in so you can familiarize yourself with the building and the campus and maybe some of my students. W-well, that is… if you want to…?”

 

“I’d like that.” Agent K smiles brilliantly. “Thank you.”

 

He nearly swallows wrong. “So… I’m a bit slow, but… I can’t go on calling you Agent K, so… what’s your name in this case?”

 

“Koala. It’s Koala.”  

 

“Really? That’s a cute name. I’m Sabo… uh…” He flushes as he extends a hand to her,  “...uh… you already know that hahahaha. I hope we can work well together for this semester.”

 

“Likewise.”

 

***

**The end**

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry. I was trying for romance but it didn’t seem to work out. I kept playing this in my mind and all I get is Gintama humor creeping in.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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